During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced
colonel at the wheel. "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,"Yours is."

Army gets ready for football season

Soldiers from 4th Squadron, 2nd Stryker Cavalry Regiment are preparing to be sent home from Iraq to face a new challenge - football.

As the hot summer wears on in Baghdad, the "Stryker" are adding weight and bulking up for the gridiron. Only the "strongest of the strong" will be allowed to play football on their return. Bubba Smoolik says that he's ready. "I've already gained 75 pounds since I arrived in Baghdad. The food at Camp Victory is great," chirps Smoolik.

As the soldiers prepare, commanders ensure that they have plenty to eat and air-conditioned gyms in which to work out. This all leads to a fit, and fat, set of linebackers equal in speed and talent of any junior college. The Strykers first match will be against the Duesseldorf Donkeys, said regiment spokesperson Sonny Colello.

Army upgrades uniforms

After years of study—and the field deployment of thousands of prototype uniforms in Operation Enduring Freedom—the U.S. Army recently unveiled a new combat uniform, dubbed the Army Combat Uniform Two, or ACU2. It will become standard-issue for all deployed troops in the fall of 2008.

The new uniform uses off-the-shelf items to make soldiers more secure in the field. It is designed to provide combat soldiers with the latest in technology...at an affordable price. It uses optimized velcro re-locatable, key to improved local liason (OVRKILL) components ordered by the Pentagon. Unlike uniforms of yore, it need not be dry-cleaned (which saves soldiers not just money, but time). The design energy applied to the ACU went mostly into making a uniform that would be visible to foes and comrades alike.

Two things distinguish the Army's scheme from the Marines' uniforms. First, the Marines employ multiple camouflage schemes for different environments, but the ACU is a universal pattern capable of blending into desert, urban, and woodland environments....everything except the cities in which they operate. Second, the color black has been eliminated from the Army camouflage—the Army decided that it is disruptive because it is "so New York City".

Predictably, there has been grumbling about the new ACU among the ranks of chat-room soldiers—mostly about the use of Velcro on pocket closures and as backing for the name and insignia badges found on the chest. The concern is not only about the durability of Velcro (which the Army calls a "hook and pile fastener"), but also that a forward scout on a night patrol may reveal his position simply by opening his pocket. What is most interesting about the ACU? One of the more functional elements is the inclusion of DrypersTM so that soldiers don't have to "stop" when it's time to "go". This element was added after the recent escapades NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak. Just Kidding

Returning GIs to be warehoused

Army administrations at Walter Reed Medical Hospital announced a solution today for the overwhelming numbers of injured soldiers who are filling their wards - these soldiers will be warehoused.

"We asked industry experts such as Walmart, what they would do with an oversupply," said General Leob Noxious. They recommended that we create large warehouses to store the thousands of returning GIs. However, the Adrministraiton and Congress have answered with skepticism to the Army's plans.

"What if they run out of space?" asked White House spokesperson R. U. Dence. "Don't people, especially those who are injured and need therapy, need a lot of space?" There is concern for other things, such as public opinion should it get out that soldiers are not getting good treatment once they leave the medical facility itself. Just Kidding

Iraq to provide citizenship to GIs

Iraq President Jalal Talabani announed today that all coalition soldiers would receive complimentary Iraqi citizenship. "Our parliament has decided that since many of these soldiers have met the 3-year criteria for residency, they should be offered the chance to become citizens."

Some soldiers are already on their third tour and, with expectations that the war may last 3-4 more years, could actually serve 4th and 5th tours. To become elegible, each will need to provide proof of length of service and swear allegience to the Iraq Constitution (which some of them helped write).

The announcement fulfills an earlier promise that Maliki made to local tribal leaders who have seen their villages emptied of young men, either through arrests or because they have been killed during fighting. Most of the soldiers are male and will become available to be husbands for young Iraqi women.

Additionally, each GI who elects to stay, become an Iraqi citizen and help rebuild the country, will be provided free health insurance and tuition benefits. The government expects that oil revenues, once the country is rebuilt, will provide enough income for these, and other, programs.

"Praise Allah," said one sheik. "Not only will we have new husbands with secure pensions, but an opportunity to convert many newcomers to the True Faith, Islam." Just Kidding

4th ID in Iraq wins environmental award

One of the highest environmental honors has been bestowed on the 4th Infantry Division for their work in the al-Anbar area of Iraq.

The World Science Foundation awarded its 2006 prize to the 4th ID after learning about the extensive efforts they have used to clean up Fallujah and Ramadi. "According to the application by the U.S. Army, more than 46 square miles of the area have been completely cleansed," said the WSF news release.

The Army said that they used innovative techniques, such as aerial bombardment and phosphorus to sanitize the area in around the cities. "Things are so clean there, one can eat off the sidewalk," said Sgt. Mickey Donaldson. Both the WSF and the Army said that they hope current efforts in Tal-Afar and areas to the north will have similar effects. Just Kidding