An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain: "When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike." "Well, I don't think much of it either," replied the GI.

U.S. Airstrikes hit South Park

The City of South Park was hit by U.S. airstrikes on Monday. More than 100,000 lbs of bombs hit the town is the aerial assault and several homes were hit. Residents say that more than 50 people were killed and another 93 injured. "There was flashes everywhere, it was kind-a cool," said Leopold "Butters" Stotch when asked about the airstrikes. Teacher, Mr. Garrison was among those injured.

"Our planes today hit carefully targeted insurgent hideouts," said a U.S. military spokesman. He stressed that he was not aware of any civilian casualties and that any of the dead or injured must be members of al-Qaeda in South Park since they were present in the town at the time of the bombings. A military investigation is underway.. Just Kidding

Join the Army, learn new skills

"When I first joined the Army, I didn't know nothin'," said Corporal Baritz. "Now I learned lots of things."

John Baritz is just of of the thousands of soldiers who learn news skills each year after joining the Army. Some become computer specialists and learn how to create YouTube movies and download porn, while others become skilled at killing people.

"Where I come from, we didn't have a lot of drugs or violence," says Sargent Harold Pitts of the 82nd Airborne. "My years in the Army have changed all that. Now I know the difference between crack and meth, how to identify 46 different types of weapons, and I can kill a man with my bare hands."

"But, I'm not exactly sure how these skills are going to help me when I return to Lubbock, Texas," Pitts added.

The Army has a rich tradition of creating the challenges and providing the skills needed to become leaders of high-tech companies, owners of hospitals and law firms, and wealthy captians of industry. Just look at all of the successful Vietnam veterans in your town when you think about joining the Army to learn a skill. Just Kidding

Detention camps renamed ICE Rinks

"Strengthening the nation's capacity to detain and remove criminal and other deportable aliens is a key component of the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) service," according to their website.

Now, ICE has teamed up with the U.S. Army to operate their newly constructed "processing facilities" throughout the U.S.

"We wanted to dispel fears that these facilities would be used improperly," Said John Stark, Assistant Director of Subjugation. "So we turned to those who have demonstrated the most professionalism in state-of-the-art facilities management: the Army."

The Army has been lauded for its use of modern techniques and handling of prisoners around the world, in facilities from Abu Ghraib to Guantanamo. Health professionals and civil rights activists report that these facilities offer benefits "equal to vacation hotels" for prisoners.

In keeping with image of these new facilities, ICE plans to rename its new prisons, "ICE Rinks" and will install winter sporting facilities including ice skating and ski runs. Just Kidding