Little grandson asked: "Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?" "I was, grand sonny, but only until I fell asleep."

Just in time for back-to-school

Sales are down, so Volde-Mart and the U.S. Army have come together for new "Army Strong" products, just in time for back-to-school.

Has your son always hankered for a grenade launcher? What about a GI-Jane doll for Suzy? This and more can be found in the school aisle at Volde-Mort.

There's even a themos bottle shaped exatly like a bullet. Now kids can carry military equipment to school without being afraid that it will be confiscated by overcautious liberal-nanny types. Johnnie can bring his favorite beverage in an authentic military-issue bullet thermos...for only $5.98 (while supplies last).

Get over to Volde-mort and pick up the latest Army Strong equipment for your little soldier today!. Just Kidding

Santa makes no-fly list

Santa Claus has made Canada's new no-fly list.

The screening program, Passenger Protect, was designed to create a watchlist of individuals to be denied entry to aircraft. According to Transport Canada, inclusion on the list was based on a decision the person poses an immediate threat to aviation security should they board an aircraft. Those added to the list include:

- An individual who is or has been involved in a terrorist group.

- An individual who has been convicted of one or more serious and life-threatening crimes against aviation security.

- An individual who has been caught entering homes or businesses and/or flys without a permit.

As stated to the Privacy Commissioner, factors such as a criminal record or outstanding warrant alone did not constitute grounds for inclusion on the list. Rather, decisions will be based on the vague classification as an immediate threat to aviation security. For this reason, Santa Claus was added to this year's list, meaning that St. Nick will no longer be able to board a plane or fly over Canadian airspace. Just Kidding

Let's Play War

More than 30 students at Burns Elementary were commissioned as "junior" officers in the armed forces during ceremonies May 23 in the school cafeteria under the expanded PeeWee Reserve Office Training Corps (PROTC)

Principal Bill Alito welcomed the cadets, their family and friends, other guests and the speaker, Army Reserve Lt. Col. Jesus Menos, chief of staff for the Selective Service national headquarters in Washington, D.C., and a Proxmire alumnus.

Menos said that former U.S. Sen. Conrad Burns was one of his heroes. " Without him, I wouldn't be here today," Garcia said, noting that he had worked as an intern for Burns.

The PROTC, is designed to teach elementary and middle school students the value of citizenship, leadership, service to the community, personal responsibility, and a sense of accomplishment, while instilling in them self-esteem, teamwork, and self-discipline. Its focus is reflected in its mission statement, "To motivate young people to be better soldiers." It prepares children for future wars while making them unlearn their ideas of family ties and faith. The program is a stimulus for promoting graduation from grade school, and it provides posters, video games and rewarding opportunities.

Each branch of the military runs its own PROTC with plans to start more this year. The programs claim that they are not geared towards recruiting, that their purpose is to teach leadership and discipline. But as former defense secretary William Cohen told Congress in 2000, PROTC is "one of the best recruiting devices we have."

"Let's play war," Susan Jenks says to her students. Just Kidding

Halliburton holiday outlook

Halliburton will spread the holiday cheer this season, according to Military Economist magazine, ans is expected to become a major supplier of children's toys.

“The optimism from youth is great news for the upcoming holiday season and the overall health of the U.S. economy,” said Vice President Dick Cheney, former head of Halliburton. “It’s also encouraging to see the increased importance of military suppliers for today’s youth, as they continue to look for new ways to keep busy.”

Although this is Halliburton's first year into the children's toy market, they expect that the majority of American children (81 percent) will receive at least one holiday gift from their warehouses. "We've found some nifty things to do with spent shell casings," said Jane Goodall, spokesperson for the new line of "killer" toys. Just Kidding